Grizzly Hollow The Breath I've Been Searching For

The patchy summer storms brought with it a sense of renewal but Rook was much too worried to enjoy any of it. Borden's mental state had taken a deep dive. In realizing this, he attempted to search for Veho. He traversed the land with ease, kicking up brown pine needles in some places as he navigated his way to the riverside den where the medic had set established his den (or infirmary, perhaps, if he had already begun his herb collecting). His journey, however, was cut short as a howl - presumably at the borders - tugged at his ears. He didn't even get to see even a flash or a hint of that soft gray fur or knoll of a den. A frown flickered over his face but knew better than to be cross; he would get to do all the things he wanted to do (visit Veho, play with Tomen, hunt for Quil, spend time with his parents...) as soon as the caller, a woman, had been dealt with.

A perplexed look furrowed his brows as he reoriented himself and traveled towards the edges of his territory. He even shook his head a few times, so certain that voice sounded familiar. As he slowed to a leisurely trot, he caught a glimpse of the visitor's pale coat. Had Veho beat him there? His lips drew into a tight line across his muzzle, but it did not stay for long as he stepped forward, emerging from behind a stout fir tree. His once proud and noble air came crumbling down upon the sight of her. A gasp threatened to seek refuge in his lungs; he wouldn't allow it. Rook, the Leader of Grizzly Hollow, was left speechless with his jaw agape like a codfish. No wonder her voice had his memory jogging.

"N-Namid?" it wasn't as though she had changed much at all, but yet he greeted her as if she weren't there... as if this had been an excerpt from a revisited dream. He met her eyes, confirming who she was, with her right eye being blue and her left being brown. His ears cupped forward, anticipating the moment in which she would speak, wondering if she might apologize for leaving him alone all those months ago when he had needed her. He willed himself not to fall apart, let alone succumb to the very thought of doing so. He had been doing that a little too often these days. The last thing he needed was to break down in front of a friend he had been longing to see for quite some time.

The Lyall made a hearty attempt to smile. Little twitches here and there told of the sadness that was lurking beneath the surface but his eyes and wagging tail did a better job of showing her just how happy he was to see her. "You found me."

She had begun to wonder for a moment if she had just gotten excited. There was no doubt that a pack claimed the lands beyond the invisible barrier, but she could have sworn that she had scented Rook. There had been a time when she'd have known his scent from a mile away, could have picked his out from a crowd of a thousand because the sun would have shone just on him. At least, that's how it had been for her. It had been months, however, since that time. Such a long time, and so much had changed since then. She had changed, and the things she had thought she'd previously known were all gone and void at that point. Her auds swept back and she sighed dejectedly, a feeling of failure sweeping through her body and threatening to pull her down. It was back to the drawing board. Turning, she began to make her way away before any could come when she heard the rustling of a body moving through foliage. A gasp met her ears, and her mismatched gaze widened. The queen whirled around, her heart coming to a shocked stand still within the confines of its cage.

There he was, taller than she remembered and with a certain aura about him but still the slack jawed boy...no, not boy, man that she remembered. She stared at him, and him to her for a moment. The silence stretched between them, the spark of familiarity hanging there by a thread. Then, she moved. Swept forward by emotion she darted past the borders, forgetting their markers entirely and running to him. She pulled herself up, head draping over his shoulders and pulling him into the embrace she had so longed to give him. Words were lost in her mouth as she stood there, a tremble threatening to shake the very foundations of her world. She allowed herself to calm for a moment, before the face of her husband and children flashed before her eyes. She pulled back, stepping backwards and allowing the space between them to fill up once again. He stuttered her name, and she simply grinned broadly, her odd eyes radiating a certain warmth and happiness. His lips twitched, a struggling sort of smile forcing itself onto his maw and for a moment her grin faltered, thinking that perhaps he wasn't nearly as pleased with the reunion as she was. She wondered about the emotion that laid behind those like-eyes, a different sort of weight laying there than she had seen before. What had changed for a Rook in the time that she had been gone?

"You found me," he said, and she laughed a bubbling sort of laugh. "Indeed it seems I have. I apologize for the wait,"

It could have been a formal reunion, one that was required of a young Lord - maybe more so of a Baron, which is what he should have been calling himself these days. The Lyalls answered to no king; their blood nothing but noble and aristocratic. Not royal or heavily titled (as his cousins' within Willow Ridge were from the very moment they had drawn their first breath). He had expected himself to come forward and draw close enough to her so that they could comfortably have a little chat but he couldn't move. It was almost as if she had sense this and without much of a warning, the star-dancer closed the distance between them in a canine embrace. Her head draped over his shoulders and, in turn, he pressed his nose and chin to her side to return the gesture.

For a moment that could have stretched to the last quarter of an eternity, they remained there. He thought he could feel her heart thumping against his shoulder or forearm; his skin beneath his pelt felt as though he had been laying in direct sunlight for much too long. He thought of Veho and how he had come to realize that maybe it was true that the Namid the medic had talked about was the woman who standing there right next to him. It was enough to make him pull away but she broke contact first.

Whew...

He, too, did his best to subtly calm the trembling that had begun to scurry all over his body. But as soon as she had answered him, prompted to give back an answer that was just as playful, his tail fully wagged. Her laugh, once upon a time, had been like the birdsong in his ears, summoning him back to the previous summer. Now it merely brought back all those painful memories, of things that were not meant to be and relationships lost and opportunities wasted. He would be damned if he let his emotion get the best of him now; Namid had come all this way (wherever she had come from...) to see him, or so it seemed. Perhaps he would have to ask; despite the distance and all that lost time, he still would have thought to offer her anything he was capable of sparing.

She spoke in an apology; it was something he hadn't expected but he thought he could glean what she really meant. That she was sorry for leaving him, for leaving him when he had lost Bishop, for not even telling him where she had gone away to, for not taking him with her when he had thought he needed her most... Perhaps it was meant to be. Back then, he was convinced that God would have had it no other way; perhaps if Namid and Bishop had stayed, Grizzly Hollow would have been but a elusive dream and he would have never seen his parents again.

"It's all right," he assured her when he had found his words again. He had to take a breath, to calm the fluttering in his heart after realizing it would be too much to welcome in the hope of the idea she would stay. He considered himself as taken now; and, if anything of Veho, her brother, had come up, he would have been cautious to admit his relation to the medic. "I've suffered worse." It was meant to be said in jest, but somehow it only came through with a fraction of the playfulness.

He would have to dive into the conversation before he lost her a second time, "How have you been? You look good." Another smile, another tail wag, "Enchanting as ever."

The longer she stood in his presence, the more those nights of frolic came back to her. Their jokes and brushed shoulders, words left unsaid but always known. She fondly recalled their first meeting, his stuttering greetings and her sopping wet pelt as she stood belly deep in a stream fishing up a meal. The light that twinkled in those bi-colored eyes as she’d agreed to take them on a journey she admittedly had no business taking them on. She had simply guided him to the climax, and he had gotten himself down and gone after his dream on his own. That was what she assumed that this land was, these markers very well proved it. She couldn’t be sure, but why else would he be in the cedars guarding a marker that was not of the Cut Rock River wolves? She felt a surge of pride in her chest for him as she briefly looked around them, gazing at the territory he had fought so hard to call his own. He had done good, had done the thing that she had always wanted the wounded boy to accomplish. Whether he had taken her advice and retrieved his father from the Reach she knew not, but the Hollow in itself was a massive victory. Her pride came crashing down and she allowed her mismatched gaze to trail away from it, away from what she should have been there for.

This place, the Lake Queen should have been there when the first markers were set. Should have helped him recruit wolves and fill these catches, but…she hadn’t been. The stars of fate had not aligned for her that stormy day that had brought her so far from him, and she would, in the end, never forgive herself for that. She would never regret where she ended up, with a loving husband and three beautiful children whom she loved with every last breath in the silver caped body, but she could always be sorrowful in the memory of what could have been. "It's all right, I've suffered worse." he said, and her gaze turned to round on him. Her grin, which had faded, pulled up into a gentle smile at the corners. “At least that has not changed, I suppose. You still, in the end, seek to comfort others before you allow your own soul to rest.” she said. They would both be a fool to think that she would not see the weight in his posture, the dip of his gaze after she had spent all those months studying him and he her. The only true difference was that, now, she was confident in her words and in herself. She was trained further in the art of diplomacy and held little distinguishable fear about speaking words that she thought to be true. Before she would have paused for a moment, racking her mind for the right thing to say in anxiety over offending him. Now, she realized that all those words she had left unspoken then were wasted, and she would be damned if she let them slip then.

"How have you been? You look good, enchanting as ever." he said, and her smile turned cheeky. “Ah, flatterer! Though rightfully so. You, too, look dashing as ever. I am thankful for the fact. I have been well, thank you, I hope you have been the same?” she said with another laugh. He had always been able to do that.

She was charmed and he was rather taken. "Never better," he confirmed with a wave of his tail. "So, what brings you this way?" Oh, he was going to set his hopes into the atmosphere. There was no reason not to; she was here, back to Relic Lore from whatever far away land she had come from. "Have-- have you come to stay?" The selfishness would settle in later, but like he had with Quil and her brother and sister, he wondered if she would remain, reunited with her Veho at long last. Veho. He had to swallow the lump in his throat, wondering if she would have been able to recognize his musk beneath his own signature scent. Perhaps he wouldn't say anything unless she asked.

"You're still welcome to stay," he proffered, insinuating that all they had before had not been forgotten. Perhaps it wasn't appropriate, seeing as he had entered into something of a partnership with her brother, but there was no resisting the chase for what still could possibly be. "I mean, that is, if you're free." One of his whiskered brows quirked, as if he was entirely unsure what that really meant - free to roam? Being not romantically attached? Free without time restrictions? His gaze dropped to his paws, a sliver of the yearling she had first met at last showing himself beneath the cloak of Leadership that had been given to him by his father. This timidity didn't stay for much longer than a few seconds though and he met her eyes.

He took a step back, as if to invite her in, saying nothing more as to persuade her further, but he sure hoped that she would at least stay long enough to catch up on lost time with him as well as Veho if she decided to leave.

"Never better," was his reply, and she gave a dip of her head in gratitude. That statement offered a bit of weight from her shoulders, for if he’d been truly suffering in her absence she was not sure she could ever truly forgive herself; something she’d been fighting to do since day 1. So, what brings you this way?" he commented, and she paused allowing the thoughts of how to respond sink into her mind. Before she could do so properly, he followed with another question: "Have-- have you come to stay?" The question in itself brought a small blip in her heart rhythm, a dangerous skip in its steady beating and she hitched her breath. If it had been any other time, any other circumstance, if fate had taken her another direction than where it had taken her she would have said yes in a heartbeat. This, however, was not that road. She was on an entirely different path, one that ensured the life she had decided months ago she was meant to live. "You're still welcome to stay. I mean, that is, if you're free." he said. Oh, if only he knew. She was so free, free in spirit and in mind these days despite the title that bore down on her shoulders. She was strong enough to shoulder it, to lift the many members of Fallen Tree Cove up and lead them into the light that many of them had not seen in quite some time. She was free in all aspects, except for one final thing. To make peace with the inner demon that was Rook Lyall to her.

He turned to lead her further in, and she hesitated. A shaky breath left her maw and she stayed where she was. Her resolution was final, but something inside of her was afraid that if she went further into the land she might never find her way out. “I do not believe you know how many times I dreamed of you asking me to stay with you. Far too many to put into words, believe me. But…I cannot. I came here…looking for you. I have been looking for months on end, searching endlessly from that time we parted. A time ago I was looking for more, but now I only seek peace with you. Rook, I have a husband and three beautiful children whom hold my heart in their strong clutches. I, by some chance neither of us likely ever thought I could, have stepped up in place to lead a mountain pack beside him. I need…I need to know you have forgiven me. You may hate me now for the path that I have been lead down, but please all I ask is to know that you do not despise me for disappearing those months ago even when it was not my choice in leaving,” she said. Her voice had startled gentle and strong as she began, but when she ended she was anything but. She held a tone of pleading, her multi-colored eyes wide. Her head lowered, gaze casting down to the floor beneath her paws in preparation for his reply.

When he had been expecting a simple yes or no and a short reason why, suddenly everything tumbled out at once. An admission of wishful thinking, the decision that she couldn't consider it because she had merely been looking for him, her desire to seek peace with him, the life that had unfolded when he had waited for her... then, something to top it all off, something that he knew he would have trouble with.Forgiveness. What a long road this had been, even if they had not been together for the miles in-between then and now.

His jaw jumped; his molars pressed together with things he knew he couldn't, shouldn't say: "Namid, we were supposed to be together. You were supposed to wait for me! This life was for supposed to be FOR YOU! Now... Now look where I've gotten myself!" This wasn't to say that he was blaming Quil, Namid, or even Veho, but perhaps it could have been different. Things could have been better. He could have been better.

For a time, a wince distorted his face then, soon after, a look of worry as he met Namid's face. She had looked away. He stepped forward, taking back the invitation he had extended to her, but he could not bring himself to touch her. His chin trembled; his eyes, once warm and welcoming, becoming much too distant within the blink of an eye.

"I don't hate you, Namid," he lent, his voice turning melancholic. "I couldn't. I love you too much." He made an attempt to seal his lips to keep himself from saying anything further on the matter, but it was overwhelming. She was here, this moment was probably all that they would ever have. "I'm... I'm happy you've found someone." A half-smile failed to keep its place on his maw. "I've a son, just one. His name is Tomen."

He wondered if he ought to say anything more; the last thing he wanted to do was wound her, send her back to her mate and cubs a broken woman. A broken soul... like him.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," he started again slowly, his tail lowering at last to hang at his heels. "But-" His lungs seemed to cease working, not allowing for any other words to be pronounced. He had to detach his tongue from the roof of his mouth before he figured out what he wanted to say. "I think--" His cheeks felt warm. If... If Namid had mentioned her little family, then he was going to mention theirs. "Your brother might have found his way here... @Veho?" His tone was partially uncertain - initially he had believed "Namid" to be a common name - like bird names. "We're..."

He stalled, his stomach clenching as he fought with himself to clarify just what it was the medic was to him.

"We're together." There was that pained half-smile again; it was clear that it had been hard for him to say it in the way he slowly pronounced each syllable. "I think he would very much like to see you before you go."

She waited for it, waited for him to tell her to leave. Waited for him to tell her that he couldn’t give her the one thing that she wished for most. No words came, and for a few moments they simply stood there. The silence, once comfortable, stretched uncomfortably. Universes clashed and stars combusted, the little planets that they had created in their past struck down by the meteors that were her confession. Then silent paw steps came toward her, and she slowly allowed her odd-eyes to lift to his face. His eyes were distant galaxies, filled with things she could no longer decipher. She thought she might cry. “I don't hate you, Namid. I couldn't. I love you too much." he said, and she hated the way the words still made her fill. Despised the feeling with her being, for she knew she shouldn’t long for something she already had. Just not with him. "I'm... I'm happy you've found someone. I've a son, just one. His name is Tomen." he said, and her brows jumped skyward in shock. It was clear that she wasn’t the only one who hadn’t waited for the other. She wondered what the boy looked like, if he had the same joyful eyes as his father, or something completely different. But, nothing could shock her as much as his next confession.

"Correct me if I'm wrong. But- I think. Your brother might have found his way here... @Veho?” he said gently, and her eyes went the size of saucers. Physically, she had to sit down. Her world was spinning out of control, everything falling at once all around her. She felt a brief, colorful spark of joy. Joy that her brother was alive, that he was so close that she could almost feel him. If he was here, who was to say that her mother, father, or even Ooljee were as well?

"We're together."

For a moment, everything went blank. She could feel her heart in her throat, the ache in her body that came with heart break. Everything exploded like shattering glass, cutting her with fine points and she grimaced. For a moment, all she could do was breath and try not to fall apart completely at the seams. How could she process something like that, such a dangerous double whammy from both sides? In the end, her only defense was to shove it down. Shove it down to the farthest parts of her that she could. She stomped on it, snuffing it out until all she could feel for the moment was numb. Then, she was able to meet his gaze again. She allowed a quiet smile to curl upon her lips, though she felt like doing anything else other than smiling. “I am sure he is beautiful.” she said gently. “I…am happy for you two. I have always believed you deserve someone who will make you be the one you are meant to be. Both of our families have been through so much, all I ask is that you protect him and I assure you he will do the same.” the pale queen murmured. Without her knowing, a few tears escaped her gaze and fell in plops to the ground below. And she let them, for she was allowed to grieve even for just those few seconds. Grieve for what they had one had, and for what they would never be able to have again even though she had known this fact for a long time.

“Rook…do you know if your pack would be interested in an alliance with mine? If both you and my brother are here…I would like to offer as much as I can to you. You are welcome to our borders any time you should need me, just call and I will come.” She needed to put it behind her, couldn’t let her own feelings get in the way of what was right. She still wanted to protect him in some way shape or form, still could picture the young yearling whom she’d met in that cold summer river. She could at least still have that.