Clearwater Tarn We're saying more than words

Week 5: Expectant mothers may see a drastic change in their diet; she might have cravings for more higher energy, protein, and mineral-rich foods or she might have a decreased appetite... Her belly will also begin to look noticeably swollen as the pups take up more space in her abdomen.

For once Lenae wasn't that hungry. Her stomach didn't rumble, nor was she rummaging around in the caches looking to have her fill. In fact, she was rather...round as of late. She'd been skinny for a long time, gaining a bit more softness was never going to be a bad thing. But it wasn't supposed to be like this, all round in the middle, jutting out as clear as day, an obvious contradiction to her softer curves. It was true she was eating-probably more than she should- a lot but this seemed too much. The change hadn't been sudden or dramatic, if she'd paid more attention she would have realised sooner but...Lenae was still Lenae, soft, kind and not that observant, let alone self-aware.

Lenae plodded along the lake shore, her lips down turned as she made a pointed effort not to look at her reflection. New scents frequented the Tarn, they no doubt belonged to the newcomers but Lenae hadn't sought them out or tried to introduce herself. Perhaps she should have made an effort, been friendly, but she was tired, her sides ached and her belly felt heavy-as though she'd swallowed a bunch of rocks.

These anti-social tendencies were an unwelcome change, though it was hard she could deal with the physical symptoms of her pregnancy, they were natural after all, expected.  But the behavioural ones were a bitter pill to swallow, as though her hormones were twisting, melding her into someone she wasn't. That wasn't to say she liked who she was, but change was scary and she'd only just started to come to terms with her flaws, as bountiful as they were.

Her ears flicked back against her skull as she ambled to a stop, her tail settling between her legs as per usual. Did this this mean...were her puppies coming soon? Oh no, she wasn't ready for that. Not now. But then...was it a good thing, that they were growing, filling out her slim and slight frame, making her look all motherly? Lenae shook her head, no thank you. Not today.

In the past weeks Cheedo had been spending less time in the Tarn and more time in the surrounding areas. Though their numbers had grown a little they still had more mouths to feed even before they were born. She hunted every chance she got letting the others take care of the borders. The more she brought home the better off the pack would be. Besides it was the only way she could think of to keep herself not only out of trouble but staying busy was the best remedy to a troubled mind. She didn't have the time to think about the things that threatened to overwhelm her every day.

She’d been gone from the territory for hours but was returning now with a couple of fat rabbits clamped in her jaws. She thought she would deposit them in the cache get a drink at the tarn and then head out once more. There was still quite a bit of daylight left and she thought she could get at least one more hunt in before darkness fell and she wouldn't be able to hunt safely.

On her way to the cache where she buried her prizes she hadn't met anyone but as she came to the lake she found Lenae there. The small Agouti woman had been avoiding her so as to not upset her any further than she already had. She felt the mother to be had made herself rather clear and Cheedo was trying to respect that. She'd made a mistake and lost a friend and she'd accepted that not knowing how to fix what she'd done.

The small Agouti woman looked in the direction she had come wondering if she could slip away without being noticed and go on with her hunting. She looked back at Lenae to see if the other woman had noticed her and wondered if she should try to talk to her. Piety wanted everyone to get along but Cheedo feared Lenae would just run away again so she turned to go without her drink.

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Ooof.

Lenae let out a long airy sigh, she wasn't sure what was worse. The thought that she could get even bigger, or that in a few weeks time she'd have a litter of pups bustled against her stomach. The latter thought wasn't repulsive, she didn't flinch away from it as though it disgusted her. But it was strange and big and unknown- all things she was afraid of. Baby steps, that's what she needed to do. Take things a little at a time. The other's had already been so kind to dig her out a den, and what a lovely place it was, warm and cosy but most important of all: safe.

Lenae just so happened to glance to her side, only to see Cheedo slinking away as though she wanted to escape Lenae's notice.They had not...spoken at all since then. Cheedo hadn't sought her out and Lenae had done her best to keep her distance from the pack anyway. It wasn't anything personal, the words Cheedo had said-or rather yelled- that day had hurt but...She knew that they weren't said out of maliciousness, that her-former, was there a chance of reconciliation?-friend had said them in the heat of the moment. But still, how did the saying go? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.Lies.

Swallowing thickly, Lenae nervously shifted her weight from one paw to the next. She hated this silence, the awkwardness that weighed down on them like a blanket of snow. She parted her lips to speak, but another sigh pushed its way out, soft, airy and tired. No big surprise there.

"Cheedo."She managed, her voice quiet and meek as always, as though she was scared that if she spoke to loud she would ruin the moment. That the clouds would fall from the sky and the Tarn would dry up.

She knew it was wrong to just slink away in hopes that Lenae wouldn't notice her. She also knew that her position in the pack was a precarious one. It was part of the reason why she had been working so hard, keeping a low profile. There was so much going in in the pack already and there were just reminders of the things she was trying to avoid thinking about. If she spent too much time thinking about them it left an unsettling reality in the back of her mind that when didn't want to acknowledge.

When she heard her name she stopped mid stride. Her ears flattened against her skull and he tail tucked under her. She didn't turn to face Lenae Immediately unsure of what she was to say. She'd already apologized for her behavior and it hadn't seemed to be enough so the small Agouti was at a loss.

Finally she did turn to face Lenae and nodded her head. “Hello Lenae, I hope I'm not disturbing you or anything.” Probably a bad start, it was all that came to mind except for one other thing, “I hope everything is okay.” She spoke of the pregnancy though after speaking with Piety she felt it was something that should be left to the pale alpha. It was yet another reason she'd kept her distance since she felt she'd already done enough damage.

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Lenae shook her head, maybe a little too fast.

"No no, you're not." She hadn't spoken to Cheedo since then. It was awkward, tense, but what was the point in running away?

It wasn't as if Lenae hated her- she didn't hate anyone- in her eyes Cheedo was still her friend. Perhaps a little distant these days, but the foundations of their friendship still remained, even if they were a bit tatty and broken. With a bit of time and some work they could fix this,make it better and go back to the good old days. If such a thing even existed.

"I'm doing okay, I think." It was easier to say that, rather than let her worries take the reins. At the very least she knew she wasn't dying, probably, so she took some comfort from that."It's good to see you. I know...things have been hard for you but...I'm glad you're still here."

And she was, Lenae would have probably ran if she'd been in her paws. That's what Lenae did, when the going got tough she just....it was the cowards way out. And Cheedo was no coward. She padded towards her as her tail flicked from side to side in a friendly wave, warmth shone in Lenae's eyes, soft, like honey.

"Enough about me. How are you?

Part of her was relieved that she wasn't disturbing Lenae but the other part still felt she should leave the other woman alone. “Good, I…” she trailed off not sure how to finish it.

She shifted a little nervously since she wasn't sure how she should be around the expectant mother. She still felt badly for what she'd done and it was clear that she'd handled it poorly but she couldn't take it back. The last thing she wanted to do was to make her situation in the tarn any worse.

She did smile with Lenae said that she was doing okay, “Good, I'm happy to hear that.” Despite how things had ended between them in their last meeting she had worried about the woman and her pups. She lifted her head as Lenae spoke of things being hard for her and wondered if she knew what had happened between her and Lorcan. Maybe she knew of how she'd been reprimanded for the way she'd spoken to her. Cheedo shrugged though, what else was she supposed to do? Go through every reason things had been hard? Lenae didn't need to be bothered with it while she was going through pregnancy. “I can't leave Piety no matter how hard things get.” Though she worried she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

There were days that Cheedo often felt her time in the Tarn was limited. She hoped that if she kept her head down and did the work everything would be okay in time. With two expectant mother's needing food it was easy to keep busy so she wasn't worried about that as much.

The tawny woman was a little surprised when Lenae asked how she was doing. No one had even bothered to ask her that. “Um, I'm doing okay. Keeping busy, doing what I can for the pack.”

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Lenae understood Cheedo's line of reasoning. After all Piety had done for them...even Lenae felt bound to her, tethered through loyalty. It wasn't a bad feeling, belonging, but she supposed there was an underlying sense of worry. What if she wasn't good enough? What if she disappointed their alpha? After all Piety had been through she deserved peace and respite, Lenae didn't want to jeopardise that. So this drama that had happened between Lenae and Cheedo? It was over, brushed under the carpet. Lenae wanted nothing more than to forget it ever happened, she hoped her friend would do the same.

"You must be really busy." Which of course made Lenae feel bad.

If she'd been smarter she could help out too, do her part to keep the Tarn afloat, so to speak. For now she would do her best to be a good friend. Stepping closer she dipped her head down and gave Cheedo's chin a quick lick or two, was it out of submission or affection ?It was hard to differentiate the two.

Pulling back a little, a shy smile gracing her feature, Lenae supposed now was as good as a time as any.

"I'm not mad...or upset at you, Cheedo."

It was a struggle for the tawny woman sometimes, her loyalty to Piety was unwavering. Her loyalty to the Santoro woman was different than the loyalty she'd held for others. It was driven because Piety was different than any of the others. For the first time Cheedo didn't feel like she was staying because it was best for her. She was staying because she couldn't leave the alpha to go through things on her own.

Cheedo shrugged at Lenae's comment about being busy. “I made that choice so it doesn't bother me.” After what had happened between her and Lorcan she thought it best. If she wasn't around then there would be peace amongst the members of the tarn. Then Piety could have the sanctuary that she wanted, at least that was how Cheedo saw it. Besides the harder she worked the more obvious it would be how important she was to the pack.

The tawny woman was surprised when Lenae came towards her and licked her chin. She looked at the woman questioningly. It became more clear as she spoke saying she wasn't mad or upset for her outburst. “You're not?” She asked uncertain.

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Lenae shook her head.

"I never was. I was upset-scared, and I didn't understand why you were so angry at me but...I know you care, you were just trying to help. I can't hate you for that." Perhaps Lenae was too soft, but that's how she felt and that was the end of it. No ifs or buts.

A sigh passed her lips as she steeled her nerve and looked up, so both of the tawny wolves were at eye level. Cheedo deserved better than this really. It was apparent that Cheedo was feeling a little..tender as of late, all Lenae wanted to do was help, if she could. Though these days she wasn't really good for anything, considering how sicky she was. Hopefully it would only get better from here on out, though knowing her luck it wouldn't. Things always tended to go south when she wanted them to go north, or east or west. She shook her head gently as she forced a smile, it was hard but she was trying to be positive, to worry less. Lenae always had a habit of making a mountain out of a molehill though, perhaps things weren't as bad as she was making them out to be. She was a first time mother after all, maybe all of this, the sickness and mood swings was normal.

"You said you had....puppies before. I'm sorry- I know it's hard to-" She clicked her mouth shut. It wasn't the same at all, was it? She couldn't compare her losses with Cheedo's."Do you want to tell me about it? We don't have to-of course..."

When Lenae explained how she'd felt that day Cheedo was glad to know that the other woman hadn't been angry, just scared and upset. Even more than that she was glad that the new mother understood that she did care and that was all she was trying to do. “I do care and was just trying to keep you from going through what I had. I am sorry I realize now I went about it the wrong way.” She was glad they had this chance to talk about it calmly and share what they were each thinking.

She offered a smile when Lenae's gaze came up to meet hers. She was feeling much better about their friendship than she had in a long time. She often worried about her importance in the pack and to the wolves she considered friends. It wouldn't be the first time she thought something about a relationship and turned out to be wrong. She hoped that wasn't the case now but she supposed the insecurities that she'd always had hadn't ever gone away completely. “You know Lenae if you ever need anything I'm glad to help.” She didn't know what help the new mother would need, advice, reassurance, or even just someone to look after her pups while she took a few moments to herself. Cheedo was willing to help and she wanted Lenae to know that.

She nodded when the other woman spoke about her pups but waited to see where she was going with it. She gave her condolences but quickly stopped talking, “Thank you,” she said quietly. What came next though Cheedo wasn't expecting, Lenae asking about her lost pups. She was quiet for a moment considering, no one had ever asked before and while she was hesitant she also wondered of talking about them would maybe help her. The tawny woman sat down across from her friend. “I would like to talk about them actually. It feels like it's been so long since I lost them but it's only been three years. They were... adorable, silver like their father but with a little tawny mixed in. I was really young when I became pregnant and I thought for a long time that was the reason I'd lost them. I suppose if I’d had a choice in the matter I would have waited but I didn't. They were stillborn so nothing could be done for them but I kept them with me for a little while after. Then I buried them myself, it was hard but I didn't want anyone else to, they were mine.”

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